The way I see it, if there are gross guys getting girls in bars, then no matter how hard it can feel to make mom friends, two sophisticated, albeit exhausted, women can find each other and make nice. To test the system, I’ve taken all the corny plays we endured from the sleazy ghosts of our twenties, and I’ll show you how to make them work for now. Perhaps, after all, the terrible pick-up lines were not all for naught.
1. “Do you have a library card? Because I’m checking you out.” Seriously. Story time is almost over, and I promised Eva I’d get her the Winnie-the-Pooh treasury, but I can’t find my library card. Or my wallet, for that matter.
2. “Do you have any raisins? Well, how about a date?” Of course you have raisins. I knew you would. Can I have some? Because once Henry has a snack, he’ll stop whining and we can get to know each other.
3. “I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?” I can’t ever remember it. I’d look it up, but the kids are watching Daniel Tiger, and if I interrupt them, this coffee date is over. Could you text my phone number to Jenn for me?
4. “I hope you know CPR. Because you take my breath away!” We’re heading to the splash pad at Pier 6, and I can’t keep up with Timmy on those rocks. I just like to have a First Aid certified friend around for play dates like this.
5. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.” Then I might not be losing my mind from singing the ABCs over and over again. Do you think Wren will still learn her letters if I am teaching them to her in a different order?
6. “Do you have a sunburn? Or are you always this hot?” I’ve got sunscreen in the diaper bag and it’s 150 SPF and won’t rub in at all. Will totally take care of that at the pop-up pool.
7. “Even if there wasn’t any gravity on earth, I’d still fall for you.” Do you think my boobs would still do this? Seriously, what nursing bra do you use? Because I need something I can get my boobs out of that holds them up above my belly button.
8. “Know what’s on the menu? Me-N-U.” Because I won’t be able to read through it with this kid in my lap. As long as there are carbs, chocolate, and free paper and crayons, we’re there.
9. “There’s a sale in my bedroom. Clothes are all 100% off.” Really though, nothing fits and I just wear my yoga pants every day. Come buy my cute old stuff from my former life so I can afford some new Lululemon.
10. “I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.” But if you go stand in front of that wall, I’ve got the perfect filter for this cute shot for your Instagram! (This line guaranteed to spark a bestie friendship for life).
If all else fails, should you find yourself at the indoor playground (which smells of dirty feet and is louder than a punk rock show) just find the coolest looking mom in the room, make eye contact, and mouth, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”