2. Your post-baby stomach feels like dough. Go ahead and poke your belly button and exclaim “hehe!” like that adorable little dude made of the stuff. It’s pretty fun!
3. The baby doesn’t sleep, so you don’t sleep. Use that new-parent fog for a good time! You’re so exhausted that your partner’s jokes are funnier (or maybe funny for the first time ever!) Punch-drunk, much? Yeah!
4. Infant poop. It’s yellow. It’s runny. It’s seedy. You’ve seen the charts, and you’ve heard the stories, and it could come out of your infant’s butt at any moment without warning! Yes it’s gross, it’s smelly, and most of the time, all over you, but sometimes poop happens at the perfect moment. Like when your mother in-law is changing a diaper. And it’s hilarious.
5. Everything is so little. Like, you’ve never seen such teeny socks. Have a pet? Put infant socks on them (only if they’re ok with it, of course.) It’s hilarious, if not adorable! Disclaimer: I’ve only tried this on my dog, so if you have a hamster or turtle or something, it may not have the same effect. Let me know how it goes!
6. Hand your baby to your childless friend. Leave to use the bathroom. Secretly watch them from afar. This is one of my favorites because it is hi-larious. But be careful. Don’t laugh too loud or they’ll catch you and hand ‘em back!
7. Have a drink! You haven’t had one in how many months?? You can indulge again, so pop that bubbly, mix that marg, or shoot that shot. Hell, do all three! Now strike up a conversation with another adult. Remember how interesting, witty, and LOL you are? Yesss!
8. Late night TV! And I mean, really late night. Like 3am. You’ll be up feeding the baby and that’s the perfect chance to catch the weird stuff! QVC at that time is a hoot, and there are wacky infomercials galore! What about your local public access channels? Ever wonder what the heck is going on there? I bet it’s funny!
9. Fluids Are Funny. Between the baby throw-up, bloody vagina, peeing yourself, and breast milk, it’s a cornucopia of comedy. Embrace it. No shame in your leakage game! It can happen at very inopportune times, and the old you would have been mortified. But now you are a warrior. A little pee pee in your pants at the checkout line or breast milk stain on your silk blouse in that big meeting are opportunities to laugh. What else can you do?
10. All the charts about said fluids. Who would have thought that you’d be keeping tabs of baby poop and other bodily fluids? Now that you have a baby to care for, you’ll be keeping notes of everything that comes in and out of baby (and of you). It’s part of the fun of keeping a shiny-new human alive while going through the biggest emotional, hormonal, and physical life change a person could go through. Just remember that, as you are scribbling down how many times you breastfeed or changed a diaper on the chart they give you when you leave the hospital and you start tearing up and wondering if you’re doing it right. Remind yourself that you are a grown woman wearing a diaper. Now that’s the kind of twinning with your baby we can all laugh about, right?
Jamie Aderski is an actress, comedian, and writer, originally from South Jersey. Jamie has been featured in sketches for Comedy Central, UCB Comedy, Elite Daily, and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. She has appeared in several national commercials, and in print ads with babies and stuff. Inspired by real things and imaginary things in her head, Jamie is the writer and performer of character pieces. Her newest one-woman show, Cry Baby: My (Reluctant) Journey Into Motherhood was a part of the 2016 SOLOCOM Festival in NYC. To learn more about the show and get tickets, go here.