When we’re growing our sweet little baby bump, we spend so much time daydreaming about all the precious moments we know are soon to come. Rocking our baby to sleep; snuggling them on our chests; breathing in that delicious, fresh baby scent. What we don’t dream about is how gross it can get.
But here’s the deal: your baby is going to be gross. Being a mom is going to be gross. True story, while I was writing this, I took a break to pick up my six-month-old. I lifted her above my head and said, “I love you!” She responded by puking in my hair. So much puke, I could feel it penetrate my bun and seep into my scalp. And because, as moms, we’re used to this grossness, my first thought was, “at least it wasn’t on the sofa.”
So without further ado, here are 9 gross stuff about being a mom.
1. Poop. Imagine this: you’re at an NBA game with your bundle of cuteness. You’re super mom, you’ve packed two extra outfits for that little guy. But have you packed an extra one for yourself? Because baby just pooped through his diaper and pants — and all over your shirt. Speaking of poop, never before have you been so well acquainted with it. The color, the texture, the smell. What does it all mean!? You’ll probably even find yourself taking pictures of it to show your pediatrician or your partner.
2. Puke. How many spit-up spots on my t-shirt is too many to go out in public? The number keeps getting higher and higher. And what about the laundry?! Man, there’s so much laundry. Your baby will go through more outfit changes than Taylor Swift on tour. Luckily, the spit up should subside by month seven, when tiny GI tracts are a little more functional.
3. Sucking boogers out. Yep. As disgusted as you are by the idea of the Nose Frida before baby, the first time you see your tiny one struggling with a big booger you will do literally anything free them from their snotty struggle — including sucking it out with your mouth. And it’s oddly satisfying. #momstuff.
4. Ear wax. Speaking of pulling things out of your baby, what about all that ear wax?! If I’’ve learned one thing about babies, it’s that they are world champion ear wax makers.
5. Diaper bombs. That’s what we call them at my house. You know what I mean. That diaper you changed in the park and put in your diaper bag to throw away later. Somehow it worked its way to the bottom and you didn’t find it until five days later. Oops.
6. Milking yourself. There comes a time in every baby’s life when they refuse to nurse from the right side. Or maybe the left. Either way, that one side is going to be big and juicy for a couple days and sometimes you’re left with no choice but to milk yourself in a dressing room at Zara while your baby stares at you with a strange sense of supremacy.
7. How dirty your bed gets. You alone will account for 70 percent of this. Until your hormones get in check, which takes forever if you’re nursing, expect to wake up in a pool of your own sweat every single night. Yay! Then there’s the baby. How much spit up on the comforter is an acceptable amount before it needs dry cleaned? And what about changing the occasional 3 a.m. diaper in bed? Do so at your own risk, mama. You’ve been warned.
8. Eat gummed food. This was something I never thought twice about until my father-in-law asked if he could let my baby taste his yucca fries at our favorite Salvadorian place the other day. She gummed it to a slobbery shell of its former self. What do you do with these after? He asked. Before I could respond, a look of shame washed over my face. He knew. He shrugged and popped it in his mouth. Ha! Gotcha, grandpa!
9. Clean the pacifier with your mouth. Here’s the scenario: you drop baby’s paci on the floor at Starbucks. Gross. Do you go to the bathroom and wash it? Maybe, if you’re a superhero. Most of us will just pop it in our own mouth. Better us have the germs than our little one, right? (Though my pediatrician MIL might remind me to include that this is a big no-no from a physician standpoint — adults have bacteria in our mouths little babies don’t have yet.)
Misery loves company, am I right?! Share your grossest motherhood moment in the comments!